He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
