my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 607 share tweet
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
