I want to have your abortion
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
