i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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