we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
