Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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