A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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