I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
