All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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