No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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