Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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