My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
