filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I love you.
Bad choice
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
