you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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