I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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