my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
