Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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