im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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