I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
