Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
A bitchslap is in order.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
