WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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