shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
