Ketchup is God's man juice
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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