Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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