I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
