This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
