There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
