He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
