dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
