i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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