It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Someone shattered a urinal.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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