yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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