Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
