Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
