and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
