I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
