So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
