we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
