she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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