dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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