I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
