I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Randomize
