you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
