she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
