i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
