I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Randomize
