I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
