morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
