Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
