Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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