My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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