my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Sorry about my life...
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
