i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
